Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Randomize
