hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
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