so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
Randomize
