I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
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