He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Randomize
