so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
I feel like death gave me a hand job
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Randomize
