So would u like to explain why you ate all my pickels and took my 1800?
About that, i have your 1800 on my desk with intentions of returning it but theres nothing i can do about the pickels
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize
