Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
