i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
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