i already hear my dad disowning me
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
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