so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Randomize
