guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
Randomize
