Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Randomize
