No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
