i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize
