So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
Randomize
