I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
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