A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
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