Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
I did not marry a roomba.
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