apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
