I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
