The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
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