Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
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