dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
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