isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
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