After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
it's ok, no one ever died fom being sticky.
i've gotta research that and get back to you.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Randomize
