so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Randomize
