She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
Randomize
