i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
She told me I should be a condom model.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
Randomize
