Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
