I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
So not the biggest tits he had his cock between. He could have lied.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
Sooooooo, can scratch getting a pelvic exam by a man dressed as Woody from Toy Story off my list.
You need to write an essay about this experience.
He was even wearing the hat.
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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