I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
Randomize
