I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
