i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
Randomize
