dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
