i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
so she asking me "is it okay to have dangling labias?"
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
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