The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
Randomize
