i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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