I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
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