I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
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