This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
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