people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Randomize
