then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
