I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Randomize
