I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
I have peed in a lot of sinks
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