Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
