we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
Randomize
