The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
Wait, there's no way I said I would suck his dick. I know drunk Katie.
No, you told him to suck YOUR dick.
See now that sounds like drunk Katie.
where are my eyebrows?
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
