We're pre-gaming then going to chuck e cheese's.
If you're joking I'm going to be sad
sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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