you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
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